last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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