If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize