I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
