Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
