i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
