Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
handjob tips. give me some.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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