Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
