Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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