im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
