You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
