Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I need to stop coming to work sober
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
