if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
