What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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