Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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