she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I need a beard to bite.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
