I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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