either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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