i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
