Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
