Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
