what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
