dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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