dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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