Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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