I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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