So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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