I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
