21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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