Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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