I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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