my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize