$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
