Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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