went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
