Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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