Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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