i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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