I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
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