Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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