On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
