this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
