That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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