No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Randomize
