I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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