new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
All the doctor said was why
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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