plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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