i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
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