Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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