are you still at the devil's house?
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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