did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
