Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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