I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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