You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
