This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
