I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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