You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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