Michael Bay diarrhea
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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