my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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