Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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