I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize