I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
