she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
