got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
