Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize