The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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