Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
